Lately I've become absolutely sensitive when it comes to talking about UK and 'fly'.
I just wanna be alone and hide under my blanket.
Yes, I don't feel like talking to anybody.
I don't know what happened but maybe because the fact that I will stay studying in local and many of my friends are gonna further their studies in overseas.
Some of you are facing the same thing, we're in the same boat.
There was a night when overthinking stroke my mind again.
Yeah yeah fine I know overthinking is the root of all problems, but sometimes you just can't help yourself from doing it.
"Kenapalah JPA baru tambah list untuk Medic kat UK. If they did this earlier, mesti kitorang sempat nak apply uni yang bawah bawah and takde lah apply yang top je. But still tu pun ada yg kitorang dapat takde dalam list (ex;Uni of Belfast). Not fair. Dah lah nak dapat placement for Medic susah, kena interview, requirements pun mostly tinggi, tak macam course lain."
I thought about this and that for the whole night.
Why did I choose Medic?
Why not something else that I love?
Why I didn't apply for courses that related to Maths?
Why prefer staying local semata-mata wanna take Medic?
Why not just go to UK in whatever course I got?
Tired of comforting myself, telling that anywhere is okay as long as it is Medic.
My family and friends tried their best to make me feel okay.
But still, it isn't enough.
It is hard, really.
Especially when almost everyone around you talks about fly and overseas and this and that.
Ada siap tanya "Eh kenapa tak fly?"
Yesternight, I scrolled my instagram and a picture caught my eyes.
"Allah knows what your silent heart wants. Even if you don't include in your prayers. He hears what your heart whispers. He may not give to you but someday, when you least expect it, things will happen in the best possible way."
And I found this tweet;
"Kita tengok kawan kita study takde lah teruk sangat.
Masa makan dia makan.
Masa tidur dia tidur.
Nak berjaga sampai lewat malam pun jarang.
Homework pun meniru.
Setiap kali test markah tinggi.
Bila exam dapat result tip top.
Tiba tiba terdetik dalam hati 'Dia ni tak study sangat pun result gempak. Aku yang tunggang terbalik study, result takat tu jugak.'
Aturan rezeki setiap orang lain.
Mungkin rezeki dia kat pelajaran.
Mungkin rezeki kita nanti kat kerja.
Mana lah tahu kan.
Yang kita nampak result dia lagi bagus dari kita.
Kita tak nampak mungkin keluarga dia tak seharmoni keluarga kita.
Kita tak tahu.
Jadi kenapa nak cemburu dengan rezeki orang.
Apa yang ada ni kita bersyukur.
Allah itu Maha Adil.
Setiap hamba Nya dapat bahagian masing-masing.
Bila? Macam mana? Kat mana?
Semua urusan Allah.
Kita usaha, doa dan tawakal."
Those words were like bullets, shot straight into my heart.
I was a bit ignorant, I must say.
If I really trust him, I shouldn't have this kind of feeling.
His plans are better than mine, that's for sure.
At least I've got few placements in medical schools.
I can choose one of them. Alhamdulillah.
Ada tu yang nk dapat placement even in local pun susah.
Some have to choose other courses bcs they don't get any offer from medical school.
Few of my friends faced different but greater challenges than I am, but they still stay strong and have faith in Allah.
Why can't I do that?
Mungkin segala hikmah kita tak nampak sekarang.
Maybe to make me stronger than before is one of the hikmah(s).
No one knows.
Usaha, du'a and tawakal.
There's a part in our du'a during high school that becomes my routine until now.
"Ya Allah, kurniakanlah yang terbaik buat diri kami. Janganlah Engkau biarkan nasib kami ditentukan oleh diri kami sendiri walaupun kadar sekelip mata mahupun yang lebih pendek dari itu."
To anyone who are facing great challenges, don't stop here.
You can get through all this!
Just move on and stay strong.
If you stop here, you can't see what your future holds.
Maybe something that we never expect.
InshaaAllah apa yang berlaku semua yang terbaik untuk diri kita.
p/s: Don't complain dear self, don't complain.