Jan 5, 2016

I Literally Cried

Assalamulaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

I saw a post people shared on Facebook, read it and guess what. It hit me hard and broke me through. All the words seemed like she was talking about me.

I literally started crying the moment I read "And I saw you cry when you wish you were older so you could’ve saved your grandfather… when you wished that he was still alive so he could see you now."

I was the first grandchild on my mom's side. My late grandfather always wanted to see me become a doctor. I still can remember when I was a kid, he always told my parents and me about how eager he was to see me entering a medical school and becoming a doctor. He picked me up from school every day and brought me and my sister back to his house to play with the chickens and cats. He taught me how to ride my first 2-wheel-bicycle and how to climb a tree. He bought me cooking utensils for kids and a pair of rollerblades just because I wanted to. He was not rich, but he gave me a big amount of money from his pension every time I achieved good results.

I was 5 when I saw 2 prominent scars on my grandfather's chest and on his left foot. I was curious. I asked my mother. My mother told me the story from the beginning till the end about how Datuk was brought to the National Heart Institute and described the pain that he felt was unbearable, making him talked nonsense about unrelated things. That was the first time I heard the word 'bypass', which I thought was 'bye pass'. I started having a dream to become a 'heart' doctor.

On 11th February 2013, my grandmother called my mother, telling her that my Datuk had a terrible shortness of breath. My mother immediately went to his house to pick up and bring him to a private hospital, but something happened there, so they sent my Datuk to the government hospital. I was out with my friend at that time. I never thought it was going to be severe as he seemed okay the day before. The moment my mother called me, I rushed to the hospital. He was in the Red Zone, lying flat on the bed unconscious. I told myself not to worry much as he was gonna be alright.

But I was wrong.

He passed away a few hours after that. There was no tear as my brain was still interpreting of what had happened before I came to the realisation that he was no longer in this world. I cried in disbelief. I never thought how my world would be like without him (other than my parents). He left me before I got myself ready.

I cried to sleep that night. I kept asking myself, "Why did he pass away before I enter medical school" "Why he didn't give me a chance to save him?" "He told me he wanted to see me in a medical school" "He said he wanted a free service" "Why is this happening to me?", but lives and deaths are beyond our control. I began to adapt with his absence, though I still can't move on, until now.

I never had a chance to tell him I managed to enter medical school. I never had a chance to tell him I learnt about heart. I never had a chance to practice heart physical examination on him. I never had a chance to tell him I passed my first year. I never had a chance to tell him I was really nervous before my EOS 3 exam. In fact, I didn't have a chance to say goodbye and tell him I really, really love him before he passed away.

Medicine is never easy to me. I never thought, saying 'I wanna become a doctor' is just the beginning of lack of sleep, tonnes of eye bags, bottles of tears. But every time I feel like giving up, I remember back myself about the hardship I had been through before entering medical school, interviews and rejections I faced, the joy of going to a hospital, the little things in Medicine that make me happy, my parents who work really hard to feed and support me, and of course my Datuk who really wanted to see me graduating as a doctor.

If he were still alive, I know he would say that he is very proud of me even though I am neither the best in the class nor someone who people look up to because that was what he always did. If life is being hard to you, tell yourself that you're gonna get through this and always believe in yourself. Remember back what you had been through to be at this level. And while chasing your dream, appreciate those people who are always there for you and don't forget your parents and your beloved ones as we never know what might happen.

 Semoga Datuk ditempatkan dalam kalangan orang beriman, InshaaAllah. Amin. Al-Fatihah.

 P/s: I'm sorry for this long post. Have a nice day! :)


  1. Semoga datuk ditempatkan di dalam golongan orang yang beriman. Amin. InShaaAllah malam ni nak recite Yasin before tidur. Banyakkan guna barang-barang yang datuk pernah kasi, moga-moga tersampai pahalanya melalui sedekah yang datuk pernah buat sebelum ni. T-shirt2, seluar, beg etc. Kita memang tanam benda tu since datuk meninggal lagi. Orang buat baik, takde sebab untuk kita tak tolong dia :'(