Insecurity Level Up, Confidence Level Down

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Define insecurity.

1. uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.

Girls and insecurity can't be separated. I don't know if this is one of the pre-exam syndromes or what but to be honest, lately I have been quite demotivated, felt insecure and of course they came along with the homesickness. Tried slowly to pick myself back up with the help of my strong support system which I can't never imagine what my life would be without them. 

I started to feel a bit demotivated after having a mock OSCE last Tuesday. OSCE stands for Objective Structured Clinical Examination and during OSCE, we have to show our clinical skills. It's a part of the exam and if someone fails, the person has to repeat the whole year without the chance to resit. This is one of those what I'm scared of. Even though it was just a mock, but still the butterfly thingy was there all the time I tell ya!

I thought I did quite well for other stations except for the easiest one; pulse station. I know where were the locations of those pulses but then I didn't know what should I report other than the character, volume and rhythm of the pulses. This thing kept lingering in my mind for a few days until this evening when we had the debriefing session and got feedback from our clinical skills lecturers. My batch was divided into 2 groups and the passing mark for my group was quite high for history taking station. I was very nervous as Dr Lydia told us that we were gonna get our marks! "This is it Dylla. You know where you are after this," I told myself. I prayed hard, wishing at least I was among the average. The sister (how we address the nurses in csu according to their 'pangkat') called our name one by one.

When my name was being called..

I went to the front and took my result. I was a bit shocked. Alhamdulillah I passed for every station! I was really really really relieved. I began to feel a bit confident, but reminded myself not to be too confident. Of course I still have to practice. I was really happy and it became a motivation for me. I know I can do this, just like how others can! One thing is solved, 2 left.

The solution of feeling homesick is the easiest; by going back home. Here I am in Melaka weee. Just came back home after class hehe so happy. 2 things are solved, 1 left.

Insecurity. A simple word but yet has a complicated meaning. Idk how bout guys, but for girls, yeah, I know each one of us must have our own kind of insecurity. Insecurity often can make us 'down' and feel a bit useless. Insecurity starts to build up in our mind usually from social media applications.

Saw a pretty girl with a perfect skin complexion. Insecure. 
Saw a rich person who can buy anything s/he wants. Insecure. 
Saw a young lady who knows how to pick the guitar and play any kind of songs. Insecure. 
Saw a guy travels here and there like that is the only thing he does. Insecure. 
When you share something, others ignore. But when someone else shares the exact same thing, others acknowledge. Insecure. 
Saw someone with really nice handwriting. Insecure. 
Your friends have finished studying, but you still stuck on the same page since a week ago. Insecure. 
Saw someone who knows how to wear make up. Insecure.

The list just goes on and on.

I just felt a bit insecure after watching a short video of 'bungee jumping' in Facebook. My parents would never allow me to this kind of things and I myself also will not try all those crazy-adrenaline-rush stuffs. Cukup lah setakat belajar adrenaline in lectures je hmm. Yes, I have tried few crazy stuffs before (though it wasn't that crazy) but yeah that's it. Only a few, never did the extreme ones. I told Sobri about the bungee jumping video and he straightly said "Let's do this later." Hmm to be honest I felt kinda loser because I'm not one of the brave girls who are willing to try anything, and nothing will scare them. No, I'm not like that. I know this reason is not a solid one, but still, nama pun perempuan, benda macam ni pun nak rasa insecure. Sigh.

I always say to myself "Don't feel insecure Dylla. You're as good as them." And I feel very grateful for having my ibu, ayah, family, Sobri and friends who never tired of giving advices and raising my spirits again.

How to not feel insecure? So here's how you gonna do it!

1.  Feel good about yourself
Everyone has their own speciality and there will always someone who is better, prettier, smarter than you. Always feel nice about yourself and believe you're just like anyone else. Always. Do not feel inferior to all those people. Maybe you can't do what s/he does, but there's something you can do but they can't.

2.  Excel in what you're doing
One way to feel good is to excel. Excel is not only about study and education, but it also includes various other aspects such as interests, hobbies, work and so on. Focus and always work hard to achieve what you want and it can help in improving self-confidence and get rid of low self-esteem. But still, remind yourself not to be too proud as I always say, this is life, and there's always someone who is better than you.

3.  Change insecurity to motivation
Change 'I can't' to 'I can'. Make what you're insecure of as a part of motivation to become better. There was one time I felt really insecure with a friend of mine who can play a guitar. I wished I can be like her, and eventually I started learning to play a guitar. Now alhamdulillah, though I'm not a pro, but at least I can play a bit hehe.

4.  Be grateful with what you have
We often forget that social media website is a place where everyone just shows the good things about their lives and themselves. I have to admit that I myself will only upload things that I want to share with others, and usually the things that appeared fun and joyful only. Never compare what others have with what you have. This is life, we will never be satisfied. And we will not get everything we wish for. What we have, others might don't have. Stop counting others' blessings and start to appreciate ours. There are too many to be noticed. Don't always look at someone who's higher, but look at someone who's lower, then you'll be much more grateful.

5.  Be yourself
Sometimes, when someone looks perfectly perfect in our eyes, we try to change ourselves to be like her/him. We try to copy her style, the way she talks and everything. "Lawanya dia, hm nak jadi macam dia lah. Nanti nak beli baju baju macam dia." No no, don't be like this. You just have to be yourself. Yes you can make someone as your idol, but choose the right one. Be better in your own way and never bother what others may think bout you as long as what you do is the right thing to do. We live in a society where you will be judged no matter what you do. Even if you're right, you may be considered as wrong because you're not in the majority. Don't listen to others. As long as what you do is correct, just follow your heart. Those who accept you when you're being yourself are worth to keep and you don't have to waste your time, pretending like someone else who is so not you.

Hope these tips help. Don't feel insecure, and be confident!

Selamat berbuka to Muslims. Assalamualaikum :)