I Have Something To Admit

Let's this be something between us only, shall we? 

Assalamualaikum and hi guys! 

Blogspot is probably not a trend anymore because most people already 'migrate' to vlog, I guess? But, that's not the main issue. I have something to admit. 

I just diagnosed myself having Social Media Use Disorder. 

Final exam pro part 1 is less than a month away, and I was reading about Alcohol Use Disorder. While trying to digest word by word, I purposely tried to change the word from alcohol to social media, and guess what, I fit the criteria! Haha there's no such thing as social media use disorder anyway guys, but I do feel that I really need to cut down my time spending on social media. 

Some of the criteria (out of 11) in DSM-5 for Alcohol Use Disorder;

  1. Alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period of time than intended. 
  2. There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful effort to cut down or control alcohol use. 
  3. Craving, or a strong desire or urge to use alcohol.

As a first step, I would try to distance myself from social media accounts and hibernate. I noticed I had spent a lot of time on social media that I ended up reading fewer books nowadays. Not only medical books but non-medical ones as well, which makes me feel bad because I used to read at least a book every fortnight even on a really tight schedule as a medical student. And I think my English is so rusty, it needs a good brush-up. I don't know how far can this go because I'd tried before but I failed, so let's see how long will this last. And perhaps, this might be a life-changing step from social media to more books and more posts on blog? But I can't promise on the latter one though hehe. 


Failure is not something one aims for. I bet no one ever wishes to fail. I set up a really high goal for myself, and when I don't manage to achieve what I've aimed, I feel like I fail. I see myself as a failure. 

The thoughts of being a failure haunt me day and night, telling me I'm not good enough. Like I'd said a few times, Medic is never easy for me. When I fail to achieve something, my heart shatters. I feel discouraged and down, at the same time start to doubt myself.

And knowing that I have less than one year to graduate somehow increases my anxiety. 

Am I competent enough? 
Can I handle everything? 

But, every time I have this feeling, I would remind myself. 

Failure without effort is either a real failure or a reminder. Failure after putting a lot of effort and hard work is a chance to improve and a gap to fill, in other words, to make you better in that particular area. In life, there are ups and downs, and I believe, one time you fail does not mean you will fail forever. And failure is not always a bad thing. We stumble and fall, then stand back up, keep moving on and realise how strong we are and can be.

Final Chapter

Currently, I'm in week 6 of Surgery & Anaesthesia postings. Surgery is always one of my favourite postings and surprisingly, I kinda like Anaes as well, especially during the simulation of clinical management sessions, where we had to manage the patient in an emergency situation. I might become an emergency specialist one day, who knows? Hehe.

"Final Chapter" 
Nah-uh. It’s not really the final chapter of the final book. It’s the final chapter of the first book entitled ‘Life As A Medical Student’. Somehow, time flies so fast. I tend to say ‘fifth year’ rather than ‘final year’, although both bring the same meaning. I’m so eager to finish med school and start working, but I can’t help asking myself, “Am I competent enough?” Honestly saying, I don’t even remember all the dosage for medications. Yet. 

Hoping for the best. Fingers crossed.

After 12 Years, He still Remembers Me

Photo cred: bonjourvanessa.tumblr.com

I couldn't believe he remembers my name. I must be a very good girl back then. Ok perasan.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

My ayah owns a cylinder gas company. If you were at the same primary school with me, you'd probably remember some naughty students calling me "Anak gas"(???) haha. 

I studied in Sekolah Kebangsaan Bukit Beruang, Melaka. Yes, there's a hill just behind my school, which where the 'Bukit Beruang' (Bear Hill) name came from, although no one ever saw a bear, and good to know that no one did. This school has a special place in my heart. This was where I started to love Mathematics and got involved in Maths Olympiad, and all sorts of Mathematics Competitions. A big thanks to Cikgu Norliza for guiding me in Maths Olympiad from the district level, to state, to national and lastly, to the international level in Hong Kong, which unfortunately I had to reject due to some reasons. If anyone knows where Cikgu Norliza now, please do let me know. I really wanna meet and thank her. 

It was also a place where I met my true blue childhood best friend, Ummi, and had a great fight for one month and ended up being best friends until now and would laugh every time we remember that silly incident haha. It was a place where I was trained to become a leader when I was appointed to become the first female head prefect (dulu lah ada ciri kepimpinan sikit, now more to kemalasan haha kidding), by our prefect supervisor, Cikgu Siti Hawa and discpline teacher, Cikgu Rohaidee.

Cikgu Siti Hawa is so motherly that she was like our mother in the school. It reminds me of a silly story haha. I'll tell you, but don't laugh haha. It was so so so silly. I remember there was one time, me and my friends created a 'spy team'. I bet we all just watched Spy Kids movie that time. There was no whatsapp, no phone, so we discussed by having a meeting, like a real meeting face to face. When we had a suspect, we would try to find proof. It was so silly. Just because we thought this one kid was a bit suspicious and acting weird, we spied on him(?), thinking he hid something somewhere. So much drama. We would tell Cikgu Siti Hawa after we thought our proofs were strong enough. Cikgu Siti Hawa was so kind that she played along and just layan our drama haha terima kasih cikgu! 

Cikgu Rohaidee who was also my Science teacher taught me to the point where I started to fall in love in Science. Oh god, I sound so nerd, do I? Haha. Anyway, talking about Cikgu Rohaidee reminds me of another story. I went for Kolej Yayasan Saad entrance exam and I managed to secure a place for the next level. Unfortunately, the second round held on the same day my school organised a school trip for us, the UPSR leavers, to Genting Highland. It was a golden chance opportunity. My parents gave me their permission, but at the same time, they told me that I would miss the only chance to enter KYS. Since 12, I started to do things following my heart. Alhamdulillah, I'm really grateful having great supportive parents who always tell me the pros and cons of something, instead of directly say 'No'. During the day when UPSR result was released, my father asked Cikgu Rohaidee on his opinion whether I should go for the second-level interview or Genting Highland. And guess what he said? 

"Encik kasi je dia pergi Genting tu. Saya yakin dia boleh dapat sekolah asrama penuh."

I went to Genting, had a great time with my friends and Alhamdulillah I did managed to secure a place in a boarding school, Sekolah Seri Puteri, Cyberjaya. 

That was the last time I saw Cikgu Rohaidee and all my other teachers. 

I wished I have time visiting them in school. 

After 12 years.

A guy came to my father's company to order a cylinder cooking gas. Out of the blue, he asked my mother,

"Ni mak Ardilla eh?" (Are you Ardilla's mother?)

"Haah." (Yes.)

"Oh dia belajar kat mana sekarang?" (Where is she studying now?)

"Dia sekarang kat IMU, Seremban." (She's studying in IMU, Seremban)

"Oh. Okay." 

I was playing with my phone when I heard their conversation. But I didn't dare to interrupt, plus I wasn't wearing tudung at that time. I thought he was one of my primary schoolmates, because most of them know my father owns a cylinder gas company. What ibu told me next really surprised me. It was my primary school teacher, Cikgu Rohaidee! I was really touched that he still remembers my name! 

I purposely bragged in front of my sister and brother.

"Terharunya Cikgu Rohaidee tanya Mak Ardilla ke. Dia tak tanya Mak Ariesha atau Mak Aiman."

"Orang kuat mengampu boleh lah." 

And the whole family laughed. 

Cis. Jealous lah tu hahaha. 

P/s: A big thank to all my primary school teachers. Although I didn't mention all names, but just to let you know that all of you have a special place in my heart for being a part of my life journey. Terima kasih cikgu! Hehe. 

Selective Posting - First Day, First CPR, First Death

After 4 years, I am back at this place. What happened in 2014 was something that I would never forget. What about the incident that happened on the first day?

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

For those who follow me on my Instagram, you might be aware that currently, I'm having my selective posting in Accident & Emergency (A&E) department at Melaka General Hospital. Today marks the end of the third week, and so far, day by day, I love being in A&E even more.

I still remember the first day when I stepped into the red zone a.k.a 'resus'. I was here before in 2014, as a patient's relative. I wasn't a part of the team. I wasn't even a medical student yet. I knew nothing about medical jargons, nor that I fully understood medical explanations in layman's terms. I questioned the doctors, nurses, MAs, guards for not allowing us, the family members to enter, observing my late grandfather at his last breath. Little did I know that time, our presence might cause difficulty and trouble for them to handle other critically ill patients. But, what I know, from that moment, my contemplation of pursuing either Medical Science in the UK or Medicine in Malaysia disappeared, and here where I am now, after 4 years, as a medical student.

On the first day of my selective posting, I did my first CPR. A 20ish gentleman was unconscious out of blue and they already started resuscitating in the ambulance when they were on their way bringing him here. It was a chaos. The team lead by an MO did everything they could to save the patient. As it was my first day, the most I could help was doing CPR. I took turns with my colleagues, one after another. 1 hour passed, and the time of death was declared. It was the first death I saw in Melaka Hospital and it broke my heart when I saw the family members. I was afraid I might tear up, so I left resus and went to the yellow zone to take a deep breath in and make myself forget on how I felt the moment they declared my grandfather passed away. It was not easy. It had never been easy. But I have to.

We never know when we or our beloved ones will leave forever, so appreciate every single moment while we still have it.

Birthday Surprise - A Success Or A Failure?

I couldn't read his face. Did he feel surprised? Or not? It could be either way. But I just couldn't tell it. Then I decided to ask him directly. 

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Yesterday was Sobri's 24th birthday and after so many years of LDR and facetime wishes, I wanted to make this year a different one for him ceh konon. He's working in JB and for the current posting, he has to work even on the weekends. I planned to make a surprise, and was it a success? Or a failure? Jeng jeng jeng. 

On the 10th of April, I contacted one of his friends who works and stays in JB, Ily. She's one of his group of friends who he often hangs out together. I consider myself and Ily as acquaintances as we follow each other on Instagram, know each other presence, but never met in person. Ily was willing to help me, and another great thing was another friend of Sobri, Feeda agreed to join as well weee the more the merrier. 

I already booked a bus ticket to and fro Melaka-JB one day earlier, so that everything would run smoothly. In the morning, I quickly went to buy presents for Sobri. It was kinda last minute, but luckily I managed to. Then around 12.30, my mother sent me to Melaka Sentral, I boarded the bus and the bus left sharp at 1pm. ETA showed 2 and half hours, but little did I know that it takes 1 hour longer by bus as the bus did stop for about 30mins if I'm not mistaken and the road was a bit jammed. I reached Larkin Sentral at 4.30pm. 

Ily fetched me from Larkin Sentral and we went to a nearby Secret Recipe to buy a cake. There was not much choice left for me to choose from. I saw my favourite White Chocolate Macadamia, so I told the lady at the counter. At the same time, a pakcik told another lady that he wanted that cake. It was the last White Choc Macadamia cake left in the fridge. Of course, I was not going to fight with the uncle for the cake, so I decided to choose a different one. Moral of the story here: Secret Recipe should provide more cakes haha kidding. 

We left Secret Recipe and Ily drove straight to The Cave Cafe. A funny thing happened. Ily parked near the back door of the restaurant. We entered the door, which at first lead us to the toilet before reaching the main area. We were finding a suitable place to sit, and for me to hide before we realised that we entered the wrong restaurant haha. Imagine if we waited for Sobri there, and Sobri waited for us next door haha. 

The Cave has a rocky entrance, which will make you feel like entering a cave. There are outdoor and indoor areas, and we chose the indoor one hm cs how can you sit in outdoor if you're in a cave, right? Make sense? Hehe. Ily already told Sobri that a few of them wanted to celebrate his birthday and asked him to come to The Cave. A table of 4 was chosen and I went to find a strategic place to hide. I called Sobri and asked where was he going. I made sure we called until he reached that place. I was brilliant, I know. I wish I am this brilliant in Medicine haha. Sobri being Sobri. He didn't ask much when he noticed there were only 4 chairs, making things easier for me haha. Ily and Feeda were so good at helping me by making it looked less obvious. A waiter helped me to prepare the candles on the cake and I brought in the cake. Sobri sat facing the wall, so he did not notice me from behind. 

And when I reached, the first thing that he said was, "Eh, eh." He went speechless for awhile and I think I noticed his eyes were a bit watery, but his eyes are always watery though so nahh, pass haha. He cut the cake, we took some photos and the 4 of us had a dinner together. It was a success, yeay! 

A big thanks to Ily and Feeda for making it a success! And I have new friends weeeeee. 

Sobri sent me to Larkin Sentral that night as my bus would depart at 9pm. I asked him whether he was surprised or not and he told me that he was really surprised and never thought anyone would make a surprise birthday celebration for him. He also mentioned that at first he did not recognise me and he thought 'awek mana entah' (amboi) because I look thinner(?) Was it because I really look thinner compared to before, which I don't think losing 2kg can make me suddenly look very thin or was he just being sarcastic? Haha cis. It was a long day, but I'm really glad it went well :) 

The First Thing Her Husband Asked

Disclaimer: Some medical and sensitive terms used in this context are for knowledge purposes.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

An elderly lady came to the gynaecology clinic for a regular follow-up due to pelvic organ prolapse. She already underwent a surgery to repair, but the same problem happened once again and what made it worsened this time was the problem started to interfere with her urination and causing her to have difficulty in passing urine. I was attached to a medical officer (MO), and the patient told the doctor that she felt really uncomfortable, not only when she wanted to pass urine, but also when she stood for a long time. Gravity made it easy to find a way out.

The doctor told her that the only way to solve this problem is actually to undergo another surgery called colpocleisis, which is a procedure to fully close the vagina so that it won't protrude through the vagina, hang down and disturb her during either standing or walking. She hesitated, unsure of what to decide and what to say. She wanted to discuss with her husband, so the doctor told her to call her husband. Her husband entered the room and the doctor started explaining about his wife condition and what might need to be done (inc the surgery of permanent closure of the vagina). The husband listened to the explanation attentively. The wife sat down quietly, looked worried and a bit anxious. The doctor stopped talking.

The first thing her husband asked, "Will this surgery help her with her urinary problem?" 

I was quite surprised as the doctor didn't mention about his wife urinary problem at first. I was expecting him to ask more about the surgery instead. His concerned face couldn't be hidden. He looked really worried. His concern towards his wife was as if he was the one who would have to undergo the surgery. He knew everything about his wife from the next appointment in a different hospital to medications his wife was on. He also read about his wife condition, so that he would really understand the issue and he tried to find the best solution for his wife. Hashtag relationship goals they say. Deep in my heart, I wish I will meet someone who will really love me, care about me and want to grow old together with me, just like how this couple treats each other. They also remind me of my grandparents. "Unto death we apart," my late grandfather promised to my grandmother.

I also really adore on how the MO tackled this issue and answered enquiries from both of them. She made sure that both of them know the risks of the surgery and she provided them with useful information if they choose to do or not to do the surgery. I enjoyed time spent, attached myself to this doctor. At first, to be honest, I thought she was not a student-friendly doctor, especially when she told us to go to other rooms instead of everyone be in the same room. But, actually, she just wanted to make sure that the room is not too crowded. I tried to approach her again alone and she allowed me to attach to her. Since then, she gave me chances to get involved with the discussion of the cases. One week in the clinic was not enough, and I wish I get more time to be there.