Everything I Never Told You

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. 

One of the most depressing books I've ever read but I was inspired by its title.

After 17 years of studying, from Tadika Seri Berjaya, to SK Bukit Beruang, to Seri Puteri, to INTI and to now, IMU, one thing I know about myself -- I'm not gifted. I always thought I had to work harder than everyone else, but little did I know, they were studying when I was watching a movie, revising when I was procrastinating. Fifth semester of being a medical student had taught me a lot; about life, family, friends, medicine and about myself the most. 

Final exam of semester 5 in IMU is one of the scariest examinations as it determines whether you can go to clinical school or not. It became scarier when the assessment changed, from only OSCE to both theory papers and OSCE. I never told anyone about this, so lets just keep this secret between us okay. 

If people asked me to come out with one word to describe the whole semester, I'd definitely say...

Breakdowns. 

Breakdowns after breakdowns. I became fragile and easily wounded. I felt I was not as good as everyone else. I felt demotivated. I asked myself why this, why that, but I never got the right answer to make me forget it. Outside I might look tough and relax, pretending I was fine and never cried, but inside only Allah knows how nervous I was, how I really longed for home, hoping and waiting for the time I can go home so that I can cry as much as I want in my own bed, in the arms of my parents. 

I almost gave up. I almost lost myself.

For the first time in my life, I asked myself, "Why did I take Medicine in the first place?" 

There were times I felt really, really down. I felt useless. I felt anxious. I felt sad. Mixed feelings, I felt everything at the same time. Never thought the 'down' phase can be worse like this. I fell down. I had to get up by myself. No one can help me if I myself don't stand back on my own feet. I told myself repeatedly that Allah is the best planner. I should feel grateful. He knows best and I should do my best. If he brings me to it, He will bring me through it. That was what I did every time I thought quitting what I've already started is the best decision. Repeatedly, I tried to convince myself, to pick up back the broken pieces and glue them together. 

My parents are my true supporters. Not to forget my sister, Ariesha, who tries her best to be there for me though she is far away, who is also struggling to study and to learn. They are always there when I need someone to talk, a shoulder to cry on. Some people said, "Home is not a place, nor a person. It's a feeling." They are the reasons why a house is not a home without them, and anywhere is home as long as with them. They are the reasons why I remain strong, though my limbs weaken. They always tell me to come home whenever I say I feel homesick. They make me calm when there's a storm in my chest. The happiness when I'm with them is never finished, though it has been fed by thousands of Dementors. If I were to write down everything they did for me, the list will be hella long one. 

Can never get through everything without my friends. My ranting listener, Sobri. Everyday he will say, "Don't worry, you can do this. The exam will be very easy for you." Though he can be a pain in the neck sometimes, but he makes me feel much better every time.. he must have magic! I'm Ardilla Potter by the way hehe. My 3-hour-call-every-one-month friend, Sara. Sometimes up to even 4 hours, trust me. We just have so much things to talk whenever we're on the phone. A kind of friend who tries her best to find free time for me though people know how busy life in a clinical school can be. My one-day-early-birthday friend, Tiara. The kind Tiara. The selfless Tiara. The caring Tiara. Soothing words from her melt a hardened heart, sealed a broken heart. The truth is, she not only gave me comfort when I needed one, but she taught me a lot as well. 

My IMU friends, especially my OSCE practice group mates were the ones who made things bearable. Though at first, it was awkward. Really, really awkward I tell you. But as time passed, the clock ticked away, I'm glad I had them to practise with. They gave me tips when my percussion could only be heard by a mouse, they corrected me when I wanted to put the tuning fork onto other body parts rather than the bony ones, they booked a room, though I was always one of the latecomers and they gave me chances to practise on them, without making any face, showing dissatisfaction. 

As an ending to this long appreciation post (?), whenever you feel down, find the source of your strength and happiness. Then slowly stand back on your feet, tell yourself you can do this. Never ever ever compare yourself to others. Find your own style, follow your own pace. What works for others might not work for you, and vice versa. Look back at what you have achieved and believe in yourself that you can really do it. If everyone else can, of course you can! 

I asked ibu, if Datuk were still alive, would he be proud of me? 

"Datuk mesti riuh sekampung." Ibu told me, and tears rolled down my face.

Seremban, here I come. InshaaAllah.