A Different Thing

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. 

I just sat for my end of semester assessment yesterday and it marked the end of Year 3 MBBS. I can't be more than grateful to be where I am now. Although it's still a long way to go, Alhamdulillah I still survive, though sometimes barely breathing. Some asked me to share my clinical phase journey so far. In IMU, because clinical skills are already incorporated since the first semester, the REAL clinical phase will only start after 2.5 years and semester 6 is the first semester in clinical school. Our clinical school which consists of Sem 6 to Sem 9 students is located in Seremban, in front of Hospital Tuanku Jaafar (Seremban General Hospital), Negeri Sembilan. 

Throughout this semester 6, clinical school to me is a lot more interesting than in Bukit Jalil last time. And it's wayyy different. Now we are dealing with real patients who are sick for real. No more simulated patients. And we begin to learn on how to deal and have a human to human interaction, rather than being a robot repeating the script of "Hi, my name is Ardilla. I'm a second-year medical student from IMU blah blah." over and over again until it sounds so robotic and heartless (?), well that was me last time. I just didn't know how to not sound like a robot who had rehearsed the script for thousand times. After all, that was what I did haha. 

Although it is more interesting nowadays, still ...

Medicine has never been easy for me. Never. I'm not a fast learner. I have to work really, really hard, which sometimes (or most of the times), it is still not enough. Being in clinical school is an eye opener for me. I went through so many ups and downs, one second I felt happy because I could answer doctor's questions, the next day I felt so stupid for being blurred, not answering any questions. Even in a day, my mood could drastically change. 

I couldn't remember how many times I almost burst into tears; an old lady who was suspected to have breast cancer told me she couldn't sleep well because she felt breathlessness due to the cancer cells that had metastasized to the lungs; a guy who was okay a minute ago suddenly became unconscious and eventually passed away after a few mins of CPR; an old guy told me I'm lucky for being healthy, not like him who had a number of diseases and needed to consume a lot of medications; etc. 

Sometimes I wish I can do what I like during past time, oh well what's past time though, I've forgotten the meaning haha. I wanna learn photography, I wanna read novels that I bought, I wanna do this, I wanna do that, but I know I can never do that because I feel guilty of not doing anything related to Medicine, but end up I'll be doing nothing inc studying. Double the guilty haha. 

Being in a clinical school, when every day is about meeting patients (reminding myself that's what I'm gonna do in the future), I have no time to have Monday blues or any-other-day blues, except for weekends, but obviously, I won't because I'll be going back home. No matter how my mood swings on the previous day, I have to move on and start a new day with a new spirit. It'll be a lie if I said there's no day that I feel dreadful and tired, but I have to put things aside. One secret to share, most of the times, talking to patients is what makes me feel much better. To know their stories, their concerns, their life perspectives and their ways dealing with trials and difficulties, oh god I learn a lot from them, not just about their conditions, but how to look at life as a whole. I feel accepted and trusted when they allow me to talk to them, when they are willing to share their stories that they don't simply share to anybody else and when they allow me to examine them, though they know they won't get any treatment or management in return as I'm still a student and making decision is not in my job scope.

The main point here is, things can be so hard. There are times, everything will be so overwhelming and you might feel it's unbearable. Fret not, you are not alone. Everyone has that moment. Everyone feels the same thing sometimes. But, remember, you've already started and you are capable to do this. Chin up, and show the world the real you, who they never imagined you could ever be!

Anyway, I had done 3 postings which are Family Medicine, Internal Medicine and Surgery. I must say that I love Surgery the most. So far haha. Although the 3 postings have already ended, it doesn't mean learning has ended as well. I still have a loootttt to learn. Really, really a lot. I just arrived home for 3-week holiday this morning, and I already have a holiday to-do list.

Oh ya, updating blog is on my to-do list as well hehe.